Saying Goodbye to Terrence

As I mentioned on Thursday, Terrence has not been feeling well lately.  We were given some medication on Thursday which we hoped would improve things, but unfortunately by Friday he refused to eat or drink, which meant he couldn't take his medication, but also of course was a much bigger problem because he wasn't getting any nutrition or hydration.  We had an appointment at Oxford (our vet) yesterday morning to do another catheterization, because we knew his bladder was going to be full again since he can't urinate.  During the appointment, they told us they thought things were serious enough that we needed to go to Blue Pearl (a specialty and emergency 24/7 vet clinic) to get a second opinion on everything as well as an immediate ultrasound to try to figure out what was happening.  So I took him there and dropped him off.  They gave him an IV and ran some tests, including the ultrasound, which showed that he had bladder cancer.  This was terrible news, of course, but it did finally provide an explanation for his symptoms.  It seems the sarcoma on his arm was apparently unrelated to everything else, but that he still now ultimately had two forms of cancer.  The cancerous tissue in the bladder has blocked the urine from flowing out and also had begun to block the ureters, causing one of his kidneys to already begin to be enlarged.  They told us he might be able to live another month or so, except he still wasn't eating or drinking, so unless we wanted to have him put to sleep that day, we needed to try to figure out why that was happening.  The vet's best guess was that it was the toxins in the kidneys (because he hadn't been able to urinate), which can make an animal feel sick.  They said the best reasonable hope was to put him on fluids overnight to flush the kidneys out in hopes of lowering the toxin levels such that he might eat.  So that's how we left things yesterday.

Today I went back in the afternoon, hoping to hear that he was better and was finally eating and was acting more energetic, and that I could take him home.  Sadly, that was not the case.  They let me go back to see him in the cage, and he looked up at me, but didn't or couldn't even stand up, though I lifted him up and he stood briefly for a picture.  They gave me a variety of foods to give him, but he refused to open his mouth to eat or drink anything.  I knew then that we were at the end.  There was nothing else to do to save him, and my tears started flowing.

Yesterday before I took him in, we knew he was in bad shape and that it was possible he might not come home, so Meghan had said her goodbyes just in case, knowing that I would be the one to take him to the vet appointments, as that was something better handled by me.  But I hadn't really said goodbye, and I didn't feel like I'd had any closure.  It was early evening, and the clinic doesn't close, so I knew I could use the evening to spend some time with him before saying goodbye for good.  So I took him outside to a nearby grassy area.  His catheter was capped and adhered to him by some vet tape.  We walked around outside.  He could walk okay, if somewhat gingerly, though he couldn't trot.  He looked around a bit, but mostly stayed very close to me.

I kind of wanted to hug him, but he didn't seem comfortable in an upright position, so I lay down on my back, and put Terrence on my chest.  We rested on the soft grass in the warm evening sun for awhile.

When my cat Lemieux was dying, on her last night I took her outside and let her roam around in the backyard, because she was always wanting to do that.  She got to have and do anything she wanted.  I knew Terrence loved riding in the front seat of cars, and especially in the driver's lap.  That's not the safest thing, so we generally didn't allow it.  So I took him in the car with me, and first he rode on the passenger seat while I went through the McDonald's drive-through to get him some ice water, because he had been panting outside, as it was a little warm.  But still, he wouldn't drink it.  I then put him on my lap and opened the window.  He briefly got up to look out, but quickly retreated to his position on my leg.  He did seem like he was enjoying himself as much as he could, despite the apparent pain he was enduring.  We drove around for quite awhile as the sun began to set.  I cried at times, I talked to him, and I generally tried to work through my emotions and just enjoy my last ride with him.  After I felt like I was as much at peace with it as I could be, we headed back to Blue Pearl.

Before going in, I took a few more minutes in the parking lot to give him a few more hugs and prepare myself for what I was going to have to do next.

I went inside, met the vet, and told her it was time.  They talked me through the process, and asked me the necessary questions, and even let me settle the bill so I wouldn't have to do anything on my way out.  I asked for a few last minutes alone with him, and then took one last picture, and then held him as they administered the injections.  They gently took his body from me, and I somberly left the facility and drove home, with a few more tears along the way.

I've been blessed in my life and haven't had to deal with too much significant loss or sadness, so this has been really difficult.  Time will heal the wounds, of course, but today has been really rough.  But I do believe we'll see our pets in Heaven, so I can look forward to seeing him then.

Terrence was such a great dog for us, and we'll likely do a tribute post later to reflect back on his life and everything he meant to us, but today we're just going to grieve and be appreciative for our blessings and the other things in our lives that we still have.


                                                  Terrence Williams Leach  2002 - 2014

Ailing Terrence

Last week we noticed Terrence seemed to be injured, as he wasn't jumping up on the bed and was favoring one leg.  We took him to the vet, and they diagnosed him as having an injured shoulder.  As part of the exam, though, they noticed a lump on his upper arm.  They aspirated it and found it to be a soft tissue sarcoma, which is basically a cancerous tumor.  Not sure if it had spread, we had a chest x-ray done, and it didn't show anything abnormal in his lungs, which was the most likely place it would spread.  His shoulder injury healed, but we're concerned about his sarcoma.  He's also been having some urination issues as well.  So I took him in this week, and although his kidneys tested out okay, they found his bladder was abnormally large due to his inability to properly urinate, and that's been causing him to not feel well and sometimes not eat.  They catheterized his bladder to clear out the contents, and he was seemingly feeling better at that point.  But today he was back to acting like he was sick, so I took him in again, and they catheterized the bladder again.  He has been a little better, but not a lot.  We have another appointment on Saturday to catheterize him again, as it seems he is needing it every couple days at this point.  The vet is not sure why he wouldn't be able to urinate when the catheter can go into his bladder without a problem.  We also have an ultrasound scheduled for next Tuesday which should help to explain what else is happening with him by showing more details about his bladder, kidneys, prostate, and anything else inside him.  The vet is concerned, and we are too, but all these symptoms don't add up, so we're hoping we can figure out what's going on.

The Living is Easy

 Today we had a pleasant and lazy summer day. First we did bubbles (yes in the house. It was insanely hot and humid out. Not that the kids care. In fact when I said it was kind of hot to go out, Joshua told me he liked it hot outside and he would like to stay outside for two weeks. But I care.).

Later, we had popsicles. These are yummy summer treats that we frequently have had this summer. I originally made them with soy yogurt, but recently the kids tried the ones I make for me which are soy-free and now they don't enjoy the soy yogurt ones as much. Not that I blame them. I find vanilla soy milk drinkable, but not super enjoyable, but I have found the non-dairy yogurts to be quite gross. To be fair, I am not big on any type of yogurt, though I don't dislike it, so I may not be the target audience. Clara generally enjoys soy yogurt on its own, so maybe it just doesn't freeze well. More recently I have been making the popsicles with juice and lactaid milk. They seem to like them much more now. I could make them with just juice, but the fat in the milk or yogurt makes them a little less hard which makes them more enjoyable to eat.

In the evening, Jason took the kids out while I made dinner and practiced catch with Joshua for baseball tomorrow. The girls played tee ball and generally ran around. The humidity is not ideal, but I really enjoy these long and warm days.

It's World Cup Time!

There are few sporting events more important to me than the US Men's National Team games in the World Cup.  I love playing soccer more than almost any other activity, and I love watching our games in the World Cup more than about anything.  This is probably hard to fathom for some, but I'd give up watching a K-State (non-national championship) bowl game over a USMNT World Cup game.  It's probably roughly equivalent to seeing K-State play in a conference championship game, which is a big deal.  The World Cup just happens so rarely (every four years), and there are so few games for the US (every team plays at least three, but only a handful play more than five), that it's just a rare and special event.  Last World Cup we won our group in dramatic fashion before being eliminated in the Round of 16 by Ghana.  This year we avenged the Ghana loss by beating them in the first game.  Today was a critical game against Cristiano Ronaldo, one of the top two players in the world, and Portugal.  I asked Meghan to take a picture of me watching the World Cup so I could post about it, but right as she was taking the picture, Portugal very nearly scored, which nearly caused me to die of panic and stress.  Normally I try to avoid unflattering pictures on this blog, and this isn't exactly my best, but it did capture a genuine reaction at the time, which is pretty cool, so I'll let it slide.  We ended up tying Portugal after giving up a last-minute (literally, there were about 20 seconds left) goal.  But we still have a lot of ways for us to advance after our game against Germany on Thursday.  I'm hoping for the best.

Making Progress with Bikes

This morning we decided to take advantage of the sun finally coming out and it being just a little bit warmer and ride bikes. The kids had a lot of fun and they have definitely made strides since last year. Joshua is much more consistent with pedaling now, and the girls both enjoy being on a bike. I would like to work a little more with Clara on pedaling, but she can't totally reach the pedals correctly for any bike we have and we have the smallest bikes I could find. She is really close, so hopefully soon this will be something we can talk about. For now, she really likes her big wheel and she can propel herself with her feet.

After lunch we watched a movie. Poor Clara isn't really sick, but she hasn't been feeling that great yesterday or today. She seemed super tired today and just laid on the couch with the pugs and watched the show, which is really unheard of for my kids. Normally they get up and move around and don't watch anything over 20 minutes or so without getting up and playing. Hopefully she feels better tomorrow. She doesn't really have a fever or any symptoms, so maybe it's residual tiredness from all the upheaval from the trip, not sure.

Glumpy Grass

Joshua sometimes has a really good memory for certain things.  Several weeks ago I was mowing the yard, and the grass was still somewhat wet from a recent rain.  I don't remember the circumstances, but I pretty much had to mow the yard that day.  That meant the mower would periodically get clogged up, as the wet grass would clump and stick to the underside of the mower.  If that happens for more than a couple seconds, the mower gets so clogged it shuts off.  Joshua was out in the back yard with me that day (We had an extensive conversation about safety that day before he was allowed to be out there with me, and he really took it to heart, because as soon as he sees me about to start the mower, he always takes off to be far away from me before turning around to watch.  I still keep an eye out for him, though, just in case.), and when the mower shuts off, it leaves a big pile of clumped grass under it.  I then put it all in the lawn bag, empty the mower bad, clean off any other clumped grass, and start again.  I figured he would like to help me pick up the grass and put it in the lawn bag, so I had asked him if he wanted to help.  So he would play with his trucks or whatever at a safe distance, but as soon as he heard the mower clog up and stop, he would then run over to me and we'd pick up the clumps.  I had originally asked him if he wanted to help me with the clumpy grass, but he misheard me and kept saying, "You need help with glumpy grass?".  We did it about ten times that night, and it was great fun.

We've been gone for two weeks, so I knew I had to mow our yard when we got back.  I did most of it on Sunday, but I had to finish up tonight.  He was in the back yard with me today, and the first time I emptied the bag, he yelled at me from across the yard, "Hey Dad!  You need help with glumpy grass?"  I didn't that time, which was disappointing to him, because the yard wasn't very wet.  But there was one time later in the mow where there was some clumping, so I called over to him, and he was very excited to help with the clumps.

Happy Mother's Day

Today was probably not the most relaxing Mother's Day of my life because it was our first day back from vacation so, though Jason did a lot of unpacking last night, I still did six loads of laundry and cleaned my car. Those things could have waited, but I can't really live like that. The important thing is I got to spend most of the day with my kids. We did cards and got Olive Garden take-out so it was still a nice and pleasant day and I feel very lucky to have my three little guys, and also my three furry ones. I have never been the person who considers my pets my kids, but I do consider them part of my family and I was glad to get to spend the day with our whole family for the first time in two weeks.

Hail to the Chalk

Every year Jason and I fill out brackets and this is something we have had our kids do as well. Jason is obviously a big sports fan and I am not as much, but I love March Madness, because what's not to love? The competition is great and you get fun upsets, exciting buzzer beaters, and college athletes. It's pretty great. Jason and I have competed against each other in the past, but this year we had an espn.com bracket group consisting of just our family members.  But obviously our kids aren't quite old enough to really make wise choices when they fill out their brackets. So this year Jason helped them. For Joshua, all favorites in the round of 64 were chosen but after that he chose winners based on who would win if the two mascots fought each other (that seemed like something Joshua would endorse). For Clara, he used a celebrity basketball player's bracket (Stephen Curry). For Hannah, he picked the highest seed to win every match up. Jason had a little bit more time than I did to work on his bracket, but we both do not have the time we used to to devote to this. Which makes me sad. I really had a good run for awhile. Anyway, Jason and I both chose our brackets as best we could. Much to our chagrin, Hannah was far and away the victor in our family league. (Note, though everyone else was far behind her, I beat Jason by a few points and that is a key takeaway). Here she is posing with her winning bracket. Jason and I look forward to the day our kids can be a little more active in filling out their brackets (and hopefully we will once again be fighting for 1st and 2nd place at that time).

Lazy Sunday

Today we had a pretty relaxing day. I wasn't feeling that great, probably due to many nights of little sleep in a row, so we didn't go to church so I could catch up a bit. I was feeling a lot better by afternoon and we had a video conference with my parents so the kids could spend some time chatting with them. It's kind of funny because the kids always touch them and don't really understand that they are just touching a screen. Clara really loves these little video calls. She asks about them every time she sees my laptop.

Bad Dog

Today the kids were at Ron and Peg's, as they are most Wednesdays. So while I would like to blame this turn of events on the kids or Jason (who is out of town), it's really me. Well, and Terrence. I have a super annoying habit of leaving doors and drawers slightly ajar pretty much everywhere I go. Not every single time I use them, but a lot of times.So today I had to run a few errands and I grabbed a granola bar on my way out. Well I must have left the pantry slightly ajar and that's all the opening Terrence needed. He opened a few things on the lower shelves including a bag of powdered sugar and a couple "juice boxes" of milk. Which actually wasn't that much and was easy to clean up except the liquid mixed with sugar made a gross and sticky mess that he got on his paws and tracked around the house. I have mopped twice now and there are still a few isolated sticky spots I am finding in random places so I think it will take me a few more times to totally eradicate them all. And I really hate cleaning so having to mop four extra times this week is not a happy turn of events for me. I'd like to think that's shame in Terrence's eyes in this photo, but really it's probably a mixture of pride and disappointment that he got caught.

Trying to Spring into Spring

This has been the winter that will not end. But we are making every effort to head into spring and are finally seeing some real hope of that actually happening. Today the kids made St. Patrick's Day hats with Halie (Clara and Joshua did anyway. Hannah was napping. It's better that way. She doesn't like art yet. But she hates being left out more. So she demands to do art and then throws it when she thinks it's boring. So paint isn't the best fit for her). Tomorrow it's a high of 58. It makes us really excited that we actually might be able to go outside and have some fun soon.

A Bad Influence

You might think, "It's weird Clara is totally naked except for her diaper when it's cold outside". But it's not. Lately this has been her preferred state more and more. Part of it is that she has gotten old enough to be able to remove all her clothes on her own, and she is very proud of that skill and likes to show it off. But I really think it's mainly the fact that Joshua hates clothes. She now thinks the cool kids don't wear clothes. She almost always keeps her pajamas on at night so I feel like that means she doesn't truly prefer nudity as Joshua definitely does. For her it's more of her environment. So I am hopeful this will be a short-lived phase for her rather than a way of life as it is for Joshua. I guess it doesn't really matter because neither of them have sensory issues so they will wear clothes without complaint anytime we leave the house which is the main thing. But since I pay for their clothes and choose ones I think are cute, I like to see them worn.

Finding Meghan

Tonight after I put the kids to bed, I came out of Joshua's room (he was last) and went downstairs to finish cleaning up.  I heard Hannah crying for a few minutes, which she sometimes does, but then it was quiet.  I went back upstairs and expected Meghan to be in our room, but she wasn't.  I noticed she wasn't in the bathroom either.  I figured she must be in our master bedroom closet, but no.  It was completely quiet, so I figured she must have gone down to the basement to get something.  I checked down there, but nothing.  After checking the garage, and verifying that her car was still here, I came to the realization that she must be in Hannah's room, as maybe she went in there to check on her and was rocking her.  I grabbed the camera, wondering if maybe there would be a good photo opp, but Hannah was the only person in there, sleeping in her crib.  I wasn't quite worried, because I knew there had to be a good explanation, but it was starting to get a little weird.  She wouldn't be outside, because it's freezing out there.  I was literally down to the coat closet, the pantry, and Clara's room as the only remaining possibilities.  She's not a weirdo who hangs out in small, dark places, so that meant she must be in Clara's room, even though I hadn't heard Clara crying, and it had been quiet for so long.  Quietly opening the door, I found her with Clara asleep on the love seat, joined by a tired Terrence.  Apparently Clara had been crying (I guess I was busy with Joshua or whatever), and Meghan had gone in there to comfort her and they had all fallen asleep on the couch.  I hadn't been worried, but it was a little uneasy with her not being in any of her normal spots, so I was glad to have everyone accounted for.    

A Family of Scavengers

Today we had a dinner that I didn't really like (I really like shrimp, but there is something about pre-cooked shrimp that at times I just do not want. I think it's texture-related. I much prefer buying raw and cooking it myself, but I had somehow run out of raw shrimp) so I ate my own dinner afterwards. You would think, based on this picture, that we hadn't fed the kids, but they all ate totally sufficient dinners. As did the pugs. But no matter. Anytime I eat anything, it automatically becomes the most desired food in our house. Which can be handy in getting Clara and Hannah to eat veggies since they aren't huge fans, but overall can be a little bit annoying. I had hoped to eat my food in peace since all the kids were happily playing as I cooked it, but the moment I sat down, all their toys were abandoned and they immediately came to "share". So I split my food four ways (sorry pugs. Better luck next time), though I don't feel bad admitting that my share was the largest.

Jump!

Hannah is becoming a little more adventurous as she gets older, relatively anyway. Her favorite game right now is to get on the ottoman (well she can't get up there by herself yet, so with assistance) and then "jumping" into my arms. She has always liked being thrown and falling so I think this is a similar thing, but she gets to propel herself. It's really cute because she stands by the ottoman and says "Jump. Jump." until I pick her up. The only problem is she has flung herself into me a couple times when I was just sitting on the couch and not really watching for her so I didn't catch her. But she didn't seem traumatized by it so I guess it's fine.

Pants Are Useful

Terrence is sort of a wimp, especially when it comes to the cold. Natalie is much tougher than he is, which I assume is embarrassing for him. But at the same time, I can appreciate a dog who knows his limitations and finds viable alternatives. When I take Terrence to the vet, he normally rides in the back seat or in the passenger seat.  But today, like every day this winter, it's ridiculously cold, and he apparently didn't feel the leather seats were a good match for his sensitive little pug bottom.  But he noticed another seat in the car that appeared to be cloth, and even though it was made for a different kind of small creature, Terrence wasted no time in commandeering the car seat for his own purposes.  He rode in the seat all the way to and from the vet, as if it were his own, neither being apologetic nor ashamed of his actions.  He's a wimp, but he's not afraid to admit it.  He probably also thinks it's not very funny, and that if my smug, pants-wearing self weren't so casually sailing through life taking for granted the luxurious fabric-covered-bottom existence that I lead, I might have a little sympathy for a poor little pug just trying to make his way in this human-driven world.  Fair point, Terrence.  Fair point.

Snowflakes and Shovels

We haven't had much in the way of snow this winter, although the temperatures have been terrible, with seemingly constant complete and utter cold.  I've been waiting for a good snow so I could take the kids outside and play in it, and it's been snowing since the middle of the night last night, so today fit the bill.

For Christmas, I decided to get Joshua a small shovel, because he's at the age where he always wants to do whatever we are doing, and I thought it'd be fun for him to help me shovel sometimes.  When he saw the show this morning when he work up, he was super excited and asked if we could "scoop snow" together.  While I actually removed snow from the driveway, he randomly transferred it from one place to another.  It was really cute, because he really felt like he was contributing to the process.

But what I hadn't anticipated, but probably should have, was Clara's desire to help and to have her own shovel. Thinking quickly, I grabbed the dustpan I keep in the garage and gave it to her and told her it was a special shovel for her.  She loved it, and she happily scooped snow like the big girl that she is.

Initially, Hannah stayed inside with Meghan.  Not wanting her to be left out of the snow fun, Meghan gave her a bowl of it, which delighted her, as you can see.  But after while she tired of it and wanted to go outside with the big kids.  So Meghan bundled her up and brought her out to me.  She didn't want to crawl around, and she certainly wasn't interested in any manual labor, but she did like to look around at the snowy landscape, even if she wasn't entirely sure what was happening.


We're late enough in the winter season that this is probably our last big snow, so I'm glad I got a chance to have a snow day with the kids.