Saying Goodbye to Terrence

As I mentioned on Thursday, Terrence has not been feeling well lately.  We were given some medication on Thursday which we hoped would improve things, but unfortunately by Friday he refused to eat or drink, which meant he couldn't take his medication, but also of course was a much bigger problem because he wasn't getting any nutrition or hydration.  We had an appointment at Oxford (our vet) yesterday morning to do another catheterization, because we knew his bladder was going to be full again since he can't urinate.  During the appointment, they told us they thought things were serious enough that we needed to go to Blue Pearl (a specialty and emergency 24/7 vet clinic) to get a second opinion on everything as well as an immediate ultrasound to try to figure out what was happening.  So I took him there and dropped him off.  They gave him an IV and ran some tests, including the ultrasound, which showed that he had bladder cancer.  This was terrible news, of course, but it did finally provide an explanation for his symptoms.  It seems the sarcoma on his arm was apparently unrelated to everything else, but that he still now ultimately had two forms of cancer.  The cancerous tissue in the bladder has blocked the urine from flowing out and also had begun to block the ureters, causing one of his kidneys to already begin to be enlarged.  They told us he might be able to live another month or so, except he still wasn't eating or drinking, so unless we wanted to have him put to sleep that day, we needed to try to figure out why that was happening.  The vet's best guess was that it was the toxins in the kidneys (because he hadn't been able to urinate), which can make an animal feel sick.  They said the best reasonable hope was to put him on fluids overnight to flush the kidneys out in hopes of lowering the toxin levels such that he might eat.  So that's how we left things yesterday.

Today I went back in the afternoon, hoping to hear that he was better and was finally eating and was acting more energetic, and that I could take him home.  Sadly, that was not the case.  They let me go back to see him in the cage, and he looked up at me, but didn't or couldn't even stand up, though I lifted him up and he stood briefly for a picture.  They gave me a variety of foods to give him, but he refused to open his mouth to eat or drink anything.  I knew then that we were at the end.  There was nothing else to do to save him, and my tears started flowing.

Yesterday before I took him in, we knew he was in bad shape and that it was possible he might not come home, so Meghan had said her goodbyes just in case, knowing that I would be the one to take him to the vet appointments, as that was something better handled by me.  But I hadn't really said goodbye, and I didn't feel like I'd had any closure.  It was early evening, and the clinic doesn't close, so I knew I could use the evening to spend some time with him before saying goodbye for good.  So I took him outside to a nearby grassy area.  His catheter was capped and adhered to him by some vet tape.  We walked around outside.  He could walk okay, if somewhat gingerly, though he couldn't trot.  He looked around a bit, but mostly stayed very close to me.

I kind of wanted to hug him, but he didn't seem comfortable in an upright position, so I lay down on my back, and put Terrence on my chest.  We rested on the soft grass in the warm evening sun for awhile.

When my cat Lemieux was dying, on her last night I took her outside and let her roam around in the backyard, because she was always wanting to do that.  She got to have and do anything she wanted.  I knew Terrence loved riding in the front seat of cars, and especially in the driver's lap.  That's not the safest thing, so we generally didn't allow it.  So I took him in the car with me, and first he rode on the passenger seat while I went through the McDonald's drive-through to get him some ice water, because he had been panting outside, as it was a little warm.  But still, he wouldn't drink it.  I then put him on my lap and opened the window.  He briefly got up to look out, but quickly retreated to his position on my leg.  He did seem like he was enjoying himself as much as he could, despite the apparent pain he was enduring.  We drove around for quite awhile as the sun began to set.  I cried at times, I talked to him, and I generally tried to work through my emotions and just enjoy my last ride with him.  After I felt like I was as much at peace with it as I could be, we headed back to Blue Pearl.

Before going in, I took a few more minutes in the parking lot to give him a few more hugs and prepare myself for what I was going to have to do next.

I went inside, met the vet, and told her it was time.  They talked me through the process, and asked me the necessary questions, and even let me settle the bill so I wouldn't have to do anything on my way out.  I asked for a few last minutes alone with him, and then took one last picture, and then held him as they administered the injections.  They gently took his body from me, and I somberly left the facility and drove home, with a few more tears along the way.

I've been blessed in my life and haven't had to deal with too much significant loss or sadness, so this has been really difficult.  Time will heal the wounds, of course, but today has been really rough.  But I do believe we'll see our pets in Heaven, so I can look forward to seeing him then.

Terrence was such a great dog for us, and we'll likely do a tribute post later to reflect back on his life and everything he meant to us, but today we're just going to grieve and be appreciative for our blessings and the other things in our lives that we still have.


                                                  Terrence Williams Leach  2002 - 2014